I made a PayPal button

My innate blogging instinct states that this button ought to be at least 8 times bigger, as it is in fact the subject of this post and hence ought to grab the attention, thus drawing readers into the article.  However, I was much too lazy to figure out how to make a larger form of this button.  Astute scholars of the internet will doubtlessly recognize this as the default PayPal donation button.  It lacks even such simple modifications as can be automatically generated by making selections within the button generation menu.

I am not providing any immediately discernible service here.  One might wonder why I haven’t simply chosen the more noble path of making an entire post filled with nothing but advertisements.  In point of fact I would do that as well, but I couldn’t be bothered to look up how to do so.  I think most likely that few advertisers would want to do business with me, as my greatest viewership boost came after posting a link on XKCD’s forums.  Both before and after that I had very little in the way of views.

Pictured: My loyal readership

Pictured: My loyal readership

If I could choose what advertising to plaster an article with, it would almost certainly be smoking advertising.  Perhaps targeted at children.  Actually scratch that; I think I would like to market hard drugs like meth and cocaine.  Not because I personally endorse them, but because I’ve become sentimental and have decided that anything I could go to prison for saying must therefore be worth saying pretty much by definition.

However beggars can’t be choosers, as the expression goes.  The likelihood that I could enter into any marketing arrangement is already quite low.  Given that, I suppose I should not hold out hope that I could enter into a specific agreement with cigarette companies or Colombian drug cartels in order to market their products to American children.  This to me is a great tragedy.

However such lofty dreaming obfuscates the fact that I refrained from even attempting such an endeavor in order to go straight to begging.  This as distinctly opposed to begging for a business relationship which would then give me the personal illusion of productivity while simultaneously not being cost effective at all for my business partners.  So the question then becomes, why would I choose such a path?  Do I hate America?  Do I hold children in such low regard that I don’t want them to be informed about quality products?

The answer to these questions is obviously yes.  But more importantly, I have simply realized the true opportunities the internet holds.  In the old days of analog begging, one literally had to hold out one’s hand in order to collect money.  However, with the advent of computer technology and large, free self-publishing tools, this is no longer the case.  Now anyone can use an existing script written by the good people at PayPal, plant it squarely in the middle of a big-white-box-thing courtesy of WordPress, hit the publish button and it will stay there until the end of time.  It is hard to imagine a disincentive for doing so.

Admittedly with the benefits of the internet there are also downfalls.  In cyberspace, nobody can see how unkempt and despondent I am.  While it is true that they might be able to infer it from my prose, it lacks the same visceral impact of a street corner begger.  However while it is true that my ability to market myself in that capacity is thus diminished, I can still gain greatly by adapting various modern techniques.

Principle among these is the act of self-referential deprecation, wherein I use humor which I target towards myself in order to let the audience know that I’m not taking myself seriously, and that I am additionally quite clever and funny.  College students have long known that self-reference is one of the three things which makes one intellectually relatable, followed by a non-serious demeanor and the ability to reject all logical argument by reading it out loud in a funny voice.  By offering these things to my would be benefactors, I am confident that I can overcome the traditional barriers of internet panhandling and thereby get something for nothing.

~ by Kilroy del Dancefighter Estallion the First on August 1, 2009.

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